The Hidden Struggle of Loneliness In Men.


By Dr. Gregory Lyons, PsyD, LCPC.
12/24/2025.

In the United States, a quiet form of loneliness has emerged among men, and it seems that it has often been an overlooked experience that manifests in various ways. What can be perceived as loneliness is not always obvious; it can appear as restlessness, irritability, withdrawal, or distraction. Outwardly, many men may claim they are “doing fine,” yet beneath the surface, they feel unmoored and disconnected.

To friends and loved ones, this can look like social unavailability or difficulty in expressing thoughts and emotions. These perceptions may lead others to believe the individual is simply reserved or has trouble communicating, when in reality, they are coping with an underlying sense of isolation.

 Recent survey data indicate that approximately one in four young American men (ages 15–34) report feeling lonely “a lot of the previous day,” a rate higher than both the national adult average and that of young women in the same age range (Gallup, 2024). Long-term trend data also suggest that the proportion of men reporting no close friends has increased sharply over recent decades, reinforcing that this experience is not merely anecdotal but generational in scope (American Survey Center, 2025).

The Quiet Disappearance of Male Belonging.

It can be surmised that for most of human history, men existed in regular proximity to other men through shared labor, apprenticeship, and religious groups or practices. These connections can be seen as not being built through emotional performance, but through shared effort and mutual reliance.  It seems that many of the influences of Modern life have quietly eroded many of these structures of purpose and community. After COVID-19, telecommuting separated many people from the standardized social dynamic. Due to financial and political stressors on our society, community spaces are thinner. Competition seems to be replacing cooperation among men, and many men seem to reach adulthood without clear models for healthy male connections.

In today's social practices, men are rarely taught to grieve relational absences unless it appears as a breakup or a death. The gradual loss of close male companionship often does not register as a legitimate form of loss, even though it appears consistently in social data. From an early age, many men are socialized through stories, films, and media portrayals that frame masculinity as self-contained, solitary, and emotionally resolved in isolation. The male protagonist is often depicted as independent to the point of detachment as the lone hero, the quiet protector, the self-sufficient figure who endures privately and moves forward alone.

Male friendships in media are frequently portrayed as:

Rarely do these narratives linger on what happens after the mission ends, the war is over, or the partnership dissolves. The emotional cost of losing male connection is typically bypassed in favor of individual triumph or stoic endurance.

When men attempt to reconnect, they are often offered frameworks that feel mismatched: forced vulnerability, public disclosure, or emotionally performative spaces that feel unsafe or artificial.

When Isolation Hardens Into Identity.

There are examples of individuals in which the lack of meaningful connection led some men to turn toward online spaces that offer identity and belonging. An example is the “incel” (involuntary celibate) subculture, an online identity formed around perceived exclusion from romantic or sexual relationships. While most men who feel lonely never engage with these communities, their existence illustrates what can happen when relational loss goes unnamed and unsupported: pain can harden into entitlement, resentment, or blame (Institute for Strategic Dialogue, 2025).

When Brotherhood Ends Abruptly: Military Transitions.

For many service members, the military provides one of the last environments where male belonging is structured, functional, and earned daily. Where Comradery is not just symbolic, it is operational . Trust is built through shared risk, responsibility, and collective purpose. But when service ends, that structure often dissolves almost overnight.

Veterans sometimes find that civilian life rarely offers comparable environments where men can rely on other men in “tangible” ways, because such bonds do not exist within the concept of being embedded in a shared mission. The experience of leaving military service is not only a logistical transition but also an occupational and deeply relational shift. While the act of separation may end an official role, it does not dissolve the fundamental human need for brotherhood and connection among men. Instead, it removes the formal structure that once supported and sustained those relationships. The longing for camaraderie and mutual trust often persists, highlighting how male connection within the military is built on daily shared purpose and collective responsibility. When that structure disappears, the need for belonging remains, prompting men to seek new ways to fulfill it in the absence of what was once operational and reliable support.

What Happens When Connection Is Missing.

When the male-to-male connection disappears, psychologically, men cannot stop seeking regulation or identity; they could redirect the need for this feeling into possible negative behavioral practices.

Solitude becomes structured. Stimulation, like video games or excessive porn use, can replace in-person relationships. This concept can be viewed as a form of distraction that replaces the feeling of being accepted or belonging. It can be seen as an act of substitution. When relational needs remain unmet, these and other harmful patterns can be enacted to fill the void.

What Actually Helps.

Rebuilding male connection does not require a dramatic emotional overhaul. It begins with structure, proximity, and permission.

With most therapeutic approaches, the absence of community or feelings of hopelessness means shared activity often precedes conversation, and consistency matters more than intensity. Men should seek out environments where they can feel useful and harbor the ability to foster belonging. Being mindful and identifying relational losses of past friendships or acquaintances may help to reduce the feelings of shame or self-blame towards the inability to foster strong personal male-based relationships. Building the feeling of belonging does not require depth on demand. It requires presence over time.

A Quiet Invitation.

It is important to note that men should not feel the need to abandon independence, strength, or self-reliance; it is just helpful to acknowledge the importance of building a strong support network to make them more secure within themselves and confident that they have a community that shares their strong beliefs and values about being a man.

If anything, this article is meant to be an invitation for men to recognize that, within the theory of evolution and through psychological studies, a man as a singular entity was never meant to carry everything alone, even if they have become very good at doing so. Building a connection among men should not be seen as weakening the singular man's identity, but rather as a grounding element to stabilize it.

In a culture that rarely names this loss, acknowledging it may be the first step toward reclaiming something essential.

 

References

American Survey Center, (2025). The state of American friendship: Change, challenges, and loss.
 https://www.americansurveycenter.org/why-mens-social-circles-are-shrinking/

Gallup. (2024). Younger men among the loneliest in the U.S.
 https://news.gallup.com/poll/690788/younger-men-among-loneliest-west.aspx

Institute for Strategic Dialogue. (2025). Incel ideology and online misogyny.
 https://www.isdglobal.org/explainers/incels/